Суд над Бхагавад-гитой / Attempt to ban Bhagavad-gita

26. WHY SO MANY DIVORCES?

But, since they were so independent minded, many refused to accept what Srila Prabhupada was telling them. They would naturally think, "I'm equal to my husband, I have my own guru, I don't need my husband to help me in spiritual life. I'm just as advanced as my husband, or more so. Why should I humbly serve him?" This may have been subconsciously thought by many women, but the 90% divorce rate in ISKCON proves this mentality was there. Naturally, with their wives thinking like this, the husbands had difficulty feeling their spiritual obligation toward them. In Vedic culture that means there is really no marriage at all. Vedic marriage means two halves of the same body with the wife being the dependent hall, but failure to accept this meant one divorce after another. Of course there is the other side of the coin also. Many men don't deserve to be treated as guru by their wives. This is real chicken and egg problem. What came first: The woman wasn't devoted to her husband, and so he wasn't responsible towards her, or the husband wasn't mature and responsible enough towards his wife, and so the wife wasn't devoting herself to him? Ultimately it boils down to this question. Of course, in most marriage breakups, there is a little of both, but there is a way to minimize this syndrome.

27."SEXYASIS" AND "SEXYASINIS"

There is no possibility for a real sannyasi to take charge of a woman. If someone things there is, then he is no sannyasi. For all practical purposes, women need a real live husband. It doesn't mean that they can't have a relationship to a bona fide guru any more than it means they can't have a relationship to Krsna. The spiritual relationship is most definitely there, but without a husband, the chances a woman practically realizing that relationship is next to nil. Therefore Srila Prabhupada never encouraged sannyasinis. Without husbands, their minds would simply be agitated, and there is no possibility of significant spiritual advancement in that condition. So Srila Prabhupada continually urged the women to be chaste Vedic wives. But had he discriminated against women in regard to initiation, they likely would not have tolerated it. So Srila Prabhupada initiated both the men and women. His initiating women, and his giving sannyasa to unqualified men, can be seen as similar time and circumstance adjustments. Men with sex desire are not "sannyasis" and wives not devoted to their husbands, are not wives. They both have only half a body. New names have to be invented for these two groups of Kali-yuga disciples. These are our suggestions. Men who are too immature to get married, but are still full of sex desire and so need a stick to carry around with them so they can be respected, should be called "sexyasis." Women who hate men, and would rather live on welfare, or would rather devote themselves to a sexyasi than their husbands, may be called "sexyasinis."

28. "SEXYASIS" INITIATING "SEXYASINIS?"

Those devotees who are serious about implementing the real Vedic system first of all have to know that one of the most important aspects is to protect the women from exploitation and illicit sex. That means they have to be married. In ISKCON today these sexyasis are claiming to be the guru to so many women but such a proposition is not only meaningless but guarantees the woman's marriage will fail. Srila Prabhupada's initiating women was a very special concession for time and circumstance that no one can imitate. Otherwise why would he say in so many places that the wife must be cent percent devoted to her husband. He says, "The real guru to the wife is the husband." Women can and should devote themselves to Srila Prabhupada's instructions, because he is factually a pure devotee, just as they can devote themselves to Krsna. But if they feel they have a direct link to Prabhupada personally and so therefore don't need the help and protection of a good husband, then they are in illusion. One woman in a thousand is qualified to be a nun just as one man in a thousand is qualified to be a young sannyasi. Women need a real husband to help them make spiritual advancement and men need a real wife to help them make progress also. They don't need a sexyasi or sexyasini. Woman claiming to have a relationship with one of these "ISKCON" sexyasis should know, without a doubt, that such a relationship is nothing but unalloyed illicit sex, which will destroy any possibility of a successful marriage.

29. THE REAL PROBLEM

So having understood and accepted this fact, the next major question by women is "How can I respect my husband who is neither a pure devotee nor even an especially good husband?" This is the real problem we are faced with today. Neither the men nor women are especially qualified for becoming bona fide Vedic husbands and wives. There are many ways to approach this, but before anything else, first the couple has to know what a Krsna conscious marriage is. The following section explains the ideal Vedic marriage. To enter into a marriage without this knowledge is like trying to fly without wings. The first prerequisite for a successful marriage is to know exactly what marriage is all about.

WARNING

We have received mixed reactions to this section. So much so that it is necessary to advise devotees that they may be disturbed by reading this. This is because some devotees do not have good marriages and are not inclined toward committing themselves to an eternal spiritual relationship with their spouse. This unfortunate situation is largely due to our impersonal upbringing here in the West and the contamination introduced by the current "gurus" into the society. We tend to project our mundane concepts and bad relationships onto transcendence and thus we become confused and even repulsed by the idea of an eternal relationship with our spouse. This is due to ignorance and/or impersonalism. Impersonalism is an all-pervasive disease in the West and practically everyone is influenced by it to one degree or another. So if your marriage is on the rocks, and you see little chance of salvaging it, then you may be well advised to skip the next ten titles. But it may also save your marriage. This section is primarily for devotees starting off in marriage or wishing to deepen their marriage relationship.

30. PRELIMINARY CONSIDERATIONS ON MARRIAGE

The intricacies of a Krsna conscious marriage are very complex and at least as difficult to work out in these times and circumstances as the guru problem. In one sense they are very similar since to get a bona fide guru or spouse one has to sincerely pray to Krsna, and simultaneously know who to look for. Because householders form the basis of any society, this issue is vital to the future of ISKCON. Prabhupada has made very clear that without sound householders, there is no question of a society for Krishna consciousness. It will never go beyond a few personalities trying to maintain "nice eating and sleeping in the name of a temple."

So this section is dedicated to helping serious devotees recognize and avoid pitfalls in marriage. A man's relationship with his wife is, as Prabhupada says, "a very complex subject." In India, even today, it is easy to have a lasting, healthy marriage, because that is the custom. It comes naturally, just as reading the newspapers and drinking coffee is second-nature to most Westerners. In precept, marriage is easy to understand. The problem is, we have artificially complicated their lives to the point where even simple principles are difficult to conceive. We have taken advantage of extensive research by modem psychologists on this subject and found it useful in substantiating the eternal principles taught by Srila Prabhupada.

31. CELIBACY IN MARRIAGE

Forexample,manyresearcherstodayarestartingtoappreciatethebenefitsofcelibacy. Without spiritual knowledge however, very few of them have a really clear picture. But, by combining their research with Vedic knowledge, and of course the higher taste of Krsna consciousness, we have a very potent body of knowledge to help us regulate our sex lives, and at the proper time, renounce it altogether. Prabhupada never tried to convince couples to artificially become celibate, but he tried to help them understand the difference between necessary sex and degrading sex. When both husband and wife understand each other and the scripture on these points, they will be able to control themselves much easier. Then, once having gone through marriage in a regulated and mature way, it can be possible to peacefully take sannyasa and not simply create a disturbance in society, as so many of the young ISKCON sexyasis are currently doing.

32. THE ETERNAL RELATIONSHIP

Prabhupada makes two seemingly contradictory statements in this regard, In some places he says that these man-women relationships are temporary like "straws bumping in the waves. They come together for some time and then separate forever." This concept, which is meant to apply to ordinary mundane relationships, is commonly applied by devotees to their relationships. This is due to impersonalism. In every instance where Prabhupada talks of temporary relationships, he is referring to animalistic relationships. In numerous places Prabhupada says the relationships between devotees, including married devotees, is eternal. In at least a dozen places he directly states that husband and wife go back to Godhead together. This means that they can have an eternal, personal relationship together in the spiritual world, if they want to. It is absurd for devotees to think that after striving together in Krsna consciousness for a lifetime, they will say good-by at the end and go their own way eternally. Many devotees actually think this way but that is due only to impersonalism. If someone has this disease in his heart, then he is not going back to the personal spiritual world at the end of this lifetime. A personalist has no objection to taking as many people as possible back to Godhead, including his wife. Exactly what the relationship will be eternally is not important to dwell on while still neophytes. Prabhupada gives hints in his books. As far as details, he says, "These things you will find out when you get there." The eternal relationship does not necessarily have to be the same as it was in the lifetime that they achieved success together. That is the meaning of spiritual and personal. It depends on free will and desire.

33. AGREEING ON THE GOAL

In principle, if the man is sincere and the woman is faithful, then that is the perfect combination for a spiritual relationship. The wife helps her husband get past the youthful years of lust, by satisfying his material needs within the realm of Vedic instruction. In the end, she shares equally in his spiritual realization, whether she personally took part in the spiritual practices or not. If she faithfully and intimately serves her husband, then she gets the same benefit, providing she wants it. If they are not in agreement with each other as to the goal of their lives, then they are not really married-at least not in the Vedic sense. If two people want to go anywhere together, first they have to agree on where they want to go.

34. WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A SPOUSE

So if a man and woman are one in their desire to love Krsna by executing devotional service, then everything else is given in Prabhupada's books. Unfortunately, sometimes one of the parties is not in harmony with the other about the goal of their lives. Then everything is frustrated. So the critical point is, before getting married, to make absolutely certain of the character and intentions of the proposed spouse. This boils down to knowledge and sincerity. Finding a mate with these two qualifications is essential if one is serious about spiritual life. It doesn't matter how many minor personality problems a mate may have, for they can be overlooked and tolerated. As long as one is sincere and knows the goal of life, and how to achieve it, then those unwanted habits, or anarthas, will disappear in due course of time. Patience is essential. We cannot expect to find a mate that is already perfect. Then once finding a sincere and knowledgeable spouse, what spiritual responsibility must they accept?

35. SPIRITUAL RESPONSIBILITIES

The woman has the difficult task of remaining chaste and submissive to her husband. This is a tremendous austerity since most men are not very mature in their youth. But she must serve him submissively anyway so that later, when he has matured, he is deeply indebted to her for her faithful service. If he is actually sincere, then he must repay her by fully devoting the last years of his life to Krsna (1.15.44). If he becomes pure, she will automatically reap the benefits of his advancement. She may even live the last years of her life not even seeing her husband, but when she leaves her body, she will join him. If he has become pure, and she has been chaste, then she will go back to Godhead immediately upon leaving her body. This is the ideal husband/wife relationship. She is a fit candidate for entering the spiritual kingdom because of her chastity toward her devotee husband. A woman's chastity toward her husband is the same as chastity toward one's guru. It completely purifies the soul. In one sense it's easier for the woman since she can directly see and serve her husband. The man has to surrender in the same way to his guru, but he does so more on the basis of shastric study and faith, since he cannot daily receive instructions from his guru.

Women in Vedic culture would voluntarily enter the funeral pyre so they would not become contaminated in the absence of their husbands. Similarly, Prabhupada says that if one cannot execute the mission of his guru after the guru departs, then he should also decide to die. A woman invests her energy in faithfully serving her husband on his promise that he will repay her by sincerely striving to become pure. If he becomes pure, and she remains chaste, then they both go home together. She does not get paid for her faithfulness until she leaves her body. That is the meaning of faith. He accepts her service on the condition that as soon as he is over the "strong waves of youth," at fifty to sixty years, he will take vanaprastha and then sannyasa. If she's been a good wife, he won't be allured by another woman. This cooperative relationship can be compared to a relay race. She passes the stick to him at fifty and then relaxes while he finishes the race alone. If the wife is resentful of him for her having to do so much running in the beginning of the race, that means she does not understand that he will also have to carry the burden in due course of time.